Just the Real

Real. No fluff.

That's how I want to blog tonight. What's really going on inside? Well, alot. A mix of emotions. I have worked all day today uploading images and descriptions for our next auction and I felt so blessed as I was doing so. Busy, but blessed. To know that so many care to donate or be involved in some way is truly a blessing. An encouragement.

Then I look at Ivanna's face and Matthew's big eyes and I feel anxious. I want them home now. Nervous is also another feeling. What if all of this happens and then something comes up? That truly is a possibility in international adoptions. Yep, anxious. My stomach tied up in knots as I think of how we have not submitted to the USCIS yet because our home study has not been finalized as it should have been a long time (several weeks) ago.

I feel overwhelmed. This is so like a puzzle with all of the pieces having to fit together just so. You can't put one piece in until the other is there to interlock it with. You hurry up ... just to wait again. There is a mound of paperwork with a ridiculous set of guidelines to follow. It's not just the paperwork - I must confess that I also have thoughts as to how it will all come together financially.

Fleeting thoughts. I know God will provide. I know that things will come together in His timing. I know it will all work out accordingly. It's just those times when your mind starts to wander, or you have had a tough day - that "things" can just get you a bit down at times. There is SO much to do. Yet, I would gladly do it 100 different times in order to bring Matthew and Ivanna home, thus keeping them from living within an institution.

Then I feel guilty. There ... I said it. Guilty about the others that we did not commit to adopting. I think of Brian - and now I am weeping. My heart breaks for him in such a real way. Reality is that if not adopted - that sweet face will spend the rest of his life in a dire, dark, and cold place. I can't erase his face from my mind - and the thought of him not being rescued hurts my heart, deeply.

I feel a tad angry too. While there is so much encouragement, there are also those who just don't get it. Perhaps it's because this is all so intangible to them. You relay to them how terrible the conditions are - or what orphans with special needs endure, and your met with a glazed, uninterested look. That's when you know that they just don't understand. It isn't real to them. Oh, how you wish that everyone could look into the eyes of these children and feel the deep burden you feel. How you walk down the grocery aisles and think of how spoiled you are. How you wish you could just uproot and be right in the mix - nursing orphans along and loving on them. But how can you relay that most deep rooted feeling to someone who thinks that all you are aiming to do is ridiculousness - or at most a nice gesture. Then there is the frustration that this even happens in the first place. We truly live in a fallen world - one that devalues life, yet I still marvel at how people can allow children to be treated so. That is my naivety.

So many thoughts. So many feelings. I will take them in prayer to my Lord tonight just before I get into bed. I just wanted to be a bit transparent. Perhaps it was unwise. I do know that God hears our cry. I would ask that we cry out on behalf of all those who are deemed fatherless. Think of Brian - or the many others ... so needy. Think of this: if you NEVER had anyone praying for you ~ wow. How absolutely horrible a thought. Everyone CAN do something. It all starts with prayer. Commit. Commit to pray for particular children BY NAME. They need you to utter their name to God in prayer.